


take me home again

by chtkwn (mooshu)



Series: disorderly au [10]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Autism, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neurodiversity, autistic!leo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 10:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12933621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooshu/pseuds/chtkwn
Summary: Taekwoon thinks Christmas is his least favorite time of the year.





	take me home again

**Author's Note:**

> cw: self harm, negative thoughts

Sometimes Taekwoon wishes he could turn his thoughts off like a light switch, let them shut down for a few hours, or days or years, and just live in peace. Sleeping is kind of like that he thinks, but with sleeping you miss things that happen in the real world, and not all sleep is peaceful. Taekwoon likes being awake and living, he just wants to be able to do so in peace without any of these thoughts getting in the way.

"Taekwoon?" Hakyeon gently shakes his shoulder, snapping him out of his thinking and bringing him back to where they're currently at - Hakyeon's favorite clothing shop in the mall, Christmas shopping. Or, they were _supposed_ to be Christmas shopping. Hakyeon had gotten off track and started to try on clothes to buy for himself. "You're spacing out, are you okay? We can go home if you want, I'll come back with Hongbin sometime."

Taekwoon tenses up at the sound of Hongbin, Hakyeon's friend and coworker, who happens to be very pretty and very rich. Maybe he's a little jealous. "No Hongbin," he says.

Hakyeon, who thinks his jealousy is adorable, laughs. "Okay, no Hongbin," he agrees, then holds up two sweaters. "Which color would look best on me? Red or black?"

"I thought we're Christmas shopping," Taekwoon says instead, avoiding Hakyeon's question because it gives him nervousness, for some reason unknown.

"We _are_ Christmas shopping. I'm buying myself a present!"

Hakyeon begins to laugh again at his own joke, and Taekwoon tries to at least give him a smile but suddenly he's hyperaware of all the noises around him - Hakyeon's laugh, the Christmas carol that's playing from the store's speakers, the click clack of the employee's heels, a baby shaking its rattle from a stroller. He starts to furiously scratch at his ears, trying to lessen all of the sounds that threaten to throw him over the edge.

"Hey, Taekwoon," Hakyeon pulls his hands away. "Let's go home. We'll order food and watch a film."

Taekwoon hates to cut Hakyeon's shopping short, but he nods in agreement. He knows staying in the mall any longer will eventually lead to him breaking down, and he doesn't want that. It's been a long time since he last did and he wants it to stay that way. He's been so good.

 

 

The ride home feels long and quiet. There's lots of snow on the ground outside. Usually by now Taekwoon would be out playing in it with Bibi, making snow angels and snowmen but he hasn't been in the mood. He doesn't know why.

Hakyeon is the opposite. He's really into Christmas. He's decorated the tree, and he wakes Taekwoon up every morning singing Christmas carols. He's tried to get Taekwoon into the spirit a few times without success. It was why he dragged him along to the mall today, hoping shopping would help. It hasn't.

At home, Taekwoon picks out a film while Hakyeon orders chicken. As soon as he hangs up, he slaps a palm to his forehead. "Oh noo, I forgot."

"The dipping sauce?" Taekwoon asks as he clicks through the movies on Netflix . "You _always_ forget."

"No, no," Hakyeon sighs, sitting down next to him. "Tonight's Hongbin's Christmas party. I completely forgot."

Taekwoon frowns. Every year, Hongbin has a Christmas party. Taekwoon went to it last year with Hakyeon, and it wasn't fun. His house smelled too strongly of air freshener and his partner, Sanghyuk, annoyed Taekwoon all night with jokes he didn't understand. The snacks were disgusting and Hongbin's tiny Pomeranian nipped him several times.

He doesn't care about going again, and Hakyeon already knows. "You can go," he says, answering Hakyeon's unspoken question.

"Are you sure?" Hakyeon asks worriedly. "I won't if you need me here, I don't mind."

Taekwoon nods, eventhough he's not sure at all, but Hakyeon already missed shopping because of him and he doesn't want him to miss the Christmas party either. It wouldn't be fair to him.

 

 

It isn't long before the party starts now so Hakyeon starts to get ready, takes a shower and wears the new black sweater he bought. The chicken comes and Taekwoon starts on it, disappointed but not surprised that Hakyeon has indeed forgotten to ask for dipping sauce again. He chooses some random, low budget romantic comedy to watch, not really caring anymore, anything is fine.

Hakyeon gives him a lot of kisses before leaving, and promises to be back soon, and reminds Taekwoon to take his medicine after he eats. Taekwoon nods at everything, hearing the words but not really registering them. He feels cold when Hakyeon shuts the door behind him, hearing the car crank up and then leave.

He curls up in his quilt on the couch, and tries to watch the movie but loses interest after ten minutes. The acting is awful and romance movies have never been his favorite anyway. He shuts it off.

It's quiet. Taekwoon likes quiet, but there's good and bad kinds and this quiet right now is bad. He starts counting out loud to fill in the quiet and to distract him, numbers are really calming. Numbers never change and are always in the same exact place, it doesn't matter how much time passes or how many times you count through them, they're the same. Taekwoon thinks more things should be like numbers.

He continues to count as he goes back to eating more chicken, saying numbers in between bites. He counts as he goes to the kitchen, takes his medicine with a glass of water, then stops after he hits four hundred because his voice is getting too sore. Bibi meows up at him, asking for a few chicken bones and Taekwoon gives them to him. He's surprised when he checks the time and sees that not even an hour has gone by.

Taekwoon soons finds himself sitting in their bedroom closet. He thinks about turning his thoughts off like a light switch again. He'd switch them off and then go to the mall or Christmas party with no worries, and have good times, and would probably never turn them back on again. His face is a little wet and his hand is stinging, he's not sure why.

Bibi scratches at the closet door and meows, knowing his owner is on the other side. Taekwoon lets the cat in and keeps him in his lap. He purrs loudly as Taekwoon runs his fingers through his fur, the softest fur ever. Taekwoon can feel his eyes getting sleepy, and it's not long before he dozes off.

 

 

After some time, he wakes up, at first slightly alarmed when he realizes through his sleepy state that someone is over him, arms gathering around him as he's lifted up. Of course, the someone is just Hakyeon, and he melts into his arms, his own going around the other's neck. He's so glad he's home.

"I'm heavy," he mumbles, and Hakyeon chuckles.

"You're really not," he says, pressing a kiss to Taekwoon's forehead. It's not a long walk at all to their bed, where Taekwoon's slowly lowered into it and then his quilt is laid over him. Hakyeon leans over him, worry in his face, his hands going to wipe at Taekwoon's damp cheeks. Taekwoon hadn't even realize he was still shedding tears.

"You're bleeding," Hakyeon says, and takes Taekwoon's left hand. He's right, Taekwoon can see that he must have been picking at his skin again at some point. He doesn't remember. Hakyeon gets bandages and cleans it up for Taekwoon as he lays in bed, looks up at Hakyeon and takes in every detail of him. It's really good to see him.

"Did you have fun?" he asks, finding his voice again.

Hakyeon nods. "I did. I would ask you the same but.." he trails off, finishing up the bandaging. "I didn't mind staying here."

"I know."

"Why didn't you ask me to then?"

"I don't know." Taekwoon's suddenly really tired again, unable to discuss this right now. "Not talking."

"Okay, maybe not tonight but we'll have to some time." Hakyeon bends down to kiss his cheek. "Get some rest, alright?"

"Alright," Taekwoon answers, and as soon as he does he falls asleep again.

 

 

Hakyeon forces Taekwoon out of the house again the next day. They go to the bank, dry cleaners, and the pharmacy to refill Taekwoon's prescription. Taekwoon's exhausted, eventhough he didn't really do anything. Hakyeon was the one actually getting out of the car into the cold and going into places. Taekwoon's still glad to be done with errands though. He's excited to get back home to hot chocolate.

Then Hakyeon gets a text, in the parking lot of the pharmacy just as they're about to leave. "Hongbin wants to meet for lunch," he says, waving his phone. "Are you up to that? If not, it's okay."

Truthfully, Taekwoon isn't. Eating in public is bad enough, but then eating in public with someone else right there with him is even worse. Hakyeon's face did light up when he got the text though, and he would hate for him to skip on lunch with his friend of course, so he says, "It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

Not really. "Yes."

"Okay..." Hakyeon seems unconvinced. "And Taekwoon? I think it's really cute you're jealous."

Taekwoon blushes. "Not jealous," he mumbles.

Hakyeon laughs, then continues, "But you have nothing to worry about. Hongbin's my friend. I have you, and he has his fiance. Sanghyuk, you remember him? Do you feel a little better?"

Taekwoon nods, eventhough that wasn't what was bothering him. He doesn't know what it is.

 

 

Taekwoon silently picks at his food, hungry but at the same time not, unable to eat comfortably. The small diner Hongbin picked is a little packed at this hour. Taekwoon knows it's silly but it feels like every single pair of eyes is on him, watching him and every little move he makes. He tries to pretend that there's a bubble around him, and no one can get or see into his bubble. It's not very effective.

Hakyeon and Hongbin talk a lot. They talk about work and the party and the holidays, and then video games eventhough Hakyeon doesn't really play any. Taekwoon knows he's being polite by talking about them anyway, because that's just one of the rules of socializing. You have to be polite and talk about things even if you don't care about them. A doctor told him that a long time ago.

"Oh look, it's snowing!" Hongbin points, and Taekwoon looks out the window he's sitting next to. It is indeed snowing again, flurries of snowflakes falling from the sky.

Hakyeon ooohs, leaning over him to get a closer look. "Isn't it pretty, Taekwoon?"

Taekwoon nods. He gets the sudden urge to go out and play in it, make his snow angels and maybe an igloo, he's always wanted to make one but never has before. He thinks he might do so when they get home. He presses a hand against the cool glass of the window, wanting to reach through and catch the snow flakes in his palm.

"Hyung," Hongbin says, and it takes a few moments for Taekwoon to realize he's talking to him and not Hakyeon. "What happened to your hand?"

Taekwoon blinks, looking at his hand on the window, the one that still has bandages on it from last night. He had completely forgotten about it, and now that his attention is back on it he realizes it's still stinging as well. "I -"

"He cut it while cooking," Hakyeon interrupts before he can finish. "Chopping onions."

Taekwoon frowns at him, and receives a look back that tells him to just go with it. But why? He doesn't understand why Hakyeon just lied.

 

 

Taekwoon does try to play in snow once they get home. He goes inside long enough to dress Bibi in the candy cane striped sweater he hates, then the two of them head out. Bibi hops around in the snowy yard and swats at the snow flurries still falling. Taekwoon plops down into the snow to make a snow angel. It feels good to lay down.

Hakyeon was the one that taught him how to make a snow angel when they were children. Before then, Taekwoon had never even played in the snow properly before. He remembers standing at the window from the inside, watching as his sisters and the other neighborhood children played together.

He squeezes his eyes shut tightly, trying to get rid of the not good memories. Today had been a nice day. He went out in public without incident. For the first time in a while, he didn't have any too bad thoughts, didn't think about turning his mind off like a light switch. He wants it to remain that way for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of his life.

Controlling your thoughts is a hard thing to do.

He thinks Christmas time is his least favorite time of the year, has always been since he was young. As a child, he never received nice things from "Santa" like everyone else, instead getting a letter telling him to be good the next year if he wanted anything. At school everyone exchanged sweets and cards and small gifts, and he got nothing. The one time he did go out and try to play with everyone in the snow they tried to bury him alive, and he was then called overdramatic for getting upset about it.

That was all almost twenty years ago, and it still bothers him eventhough now he gets plenty of gifts from friends, and enjoys the snow and decorating the Christmas tree and listening to Hakyeon sing holiday carols. That should be enough to make him feel better but it must not be. After all of these years, he still doesn't understand why people were so awful to him and he thinks he never will.

He sniffs, then wipes at the tears that had gathered in his eyes. As he pulls himself out of those thoughts, he notices he still laying in the snow, had never gotten up from making a snow angel. Bibi is sitting on his chest, looking down at him. Taekwoon knows he doesn't really speak cat but he's pretty sure Bibi's asking if it's time to go back inside now.

 

 

Hakyeon has a cup of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows waiting for Taekwoon when he gets in. He drinks it quickly, earning a light scolding from Hakyeon because he's told him many times before to drink carefully or he'll scald his tongue. It's so good though, and warms his insides up nicely. He hadn't realized how cold he had gotten from laying in the snow.

"Today was fun, right?" Hakyeon asks him before shoving a handful of leftover mini marshmallows into his mouth. Taekwoon could scold him too, about eating so many before dinner and knowing he'll get a stomachache after, but he doesn't. Hakyeon's puffy marshmallow cheeks are just a little cute.

Taekwoon nods in agreement, although really he just felt neutral. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't not fun either. He did end up liking lunch more than he thought he would, the food was good and Hongbin invited him to play basketball sometime. Taekwoon's never played basketball before, only soccer, but it sounds interesting. Maybe he'll go.

Thinking back to that reminds him of Hakyeon's lie. A little white lie but still a lie nonetheless. "Why did you say that?"

Hakyeon answers but it's incoherent because of the marshmallows. Taekwoon continues despite not knowing what the other has just said. "About my hand. I didn't cut it while chopping onions."

It takes Hakyeon a minute to eat the marshmallows. Taekwoon takes the bag so he won't get anymore. He really wants his question answered. Hakyeon only pouts for a second before sighing. "There's just some things you keep to yourself," he says, taking Taekwoon's hand into his. It stings again as Hakyeon presses a thumb against his bandaged palm. "It's a sensitive topic."

"Sensitive topic," Taekwoon parrots, nodding. It's not the first time hearing those words. It seems like his entire being is a _sensitive topic_.

"Yes," Hakyeon says, then quickly changes the subject, "But we shouldn't talk about things like that right now - it's Christmas!"

"It's the nineteenth."

"That doesn't matter. The entirety of December is Christmas to me."

Taekwoon pulls his hand away. "I don't like Christmas." Hakyeon's smile falters, and then Taekwoon immediately feels bad for saying that. He shouldn't spoil Hakyeon's festivity just because he's in a sour mood.

Hakyeon's standing up before he can apologize, walking off and leaving him alone at the kitchen table. Taekwoon lets out a small noise of frustration at himself. He squeezes his hands into fists to fight the sudden urge to hit himself - why is he so into self harm lately? Why is he like this, right at Christmas time? His thoughts are bad and he doesn't like it, and now he's hurt Hakyeon's feelings which is the worst of all.

 

 

Hakyeon makes Taekwoon take it easy for a couple of days. He stays at home, under his quilt, in silence and peace. He's only 'allowed' to leave their bed to go to the kitchen or bathroom. Usually, this would annoy Taekwoon but he knows Hakyeon's just worried about him and wants him to rest. After a few days of going out and doing things, he is enjoying having nothing to do but lay around in bed. He needs it, especially since they'll be leaving on Christmas Eve to go visit their families.

A few times while resting, the bad thoughts try to come back. His hand stings in a different way now, giving him the urge to pick at it more but he tries to ignore it. He shreds sheets and sheets of paper so his urge is somewhat satisfied. He used to feel sad because that's like wasting trees, but Hakyeon told him the trees don't mind as long as it helps him to not hurt himself. Taekwoon knows the trees didn't really say that but still. It makes him feel better.

Hakyeon stays home too, giving Taekwoon all of his attention. Everytime Taekwoon tries to mention him getting out the house, meeting with friends, going shopping or something, he gets shushed.

"I just want to spend time with you," Hakyeon says.

"You spend a lot of time with me."

"And that's how I like it, Taekwoon. You like spending time with me too, right?"

Taekwoon nods. Being with Hakyeon is the best way to spend time, but Taekwoon understands that being around other people is good too. It seems like he's been thinking about this a lot lately, but he really doesn't want to prevent him from going places and having friends. He doesn't want to hold him back from anything in life.

Taekwoon's not sure why he's crying right now, but he is, quiet tears running down his face. Hakyeon wipes them away with his thumb and shushes the other gently.

"Sorry I've been bad," Taekwoon says, his voice shaking.

Hakyeon shakes his head. "Do not apologize. You're just going through a rough patch. It'll blow over, I promise." He holds up his hand then, flashing the ring that matches the one Taekwoon's wears, their promise rings from last Christmas. "Remember? I promise."

Taekwoon sniffles a little, but then nods. "Promise," he parrots. He gets a kiss in response.

 

 

Taekwoon feels a lot better the next day, not 100%, there's still badness on the edge of his mind and his hand is calling for him but he tries hard to ignore it all. He feels well enough to get up and make pancakes for breakfast, his first time cooking a while. He tries to make them look like Santa, with strawberries for the hat, whipped cream for the beard and chocolate chips for the eyes.

He doesn't think they look good, but Hakyeon does. "They're so cute," he says, pinching Taekwoon's cheek. "Just like my Taekwoon."

Taekwoon blushes, pulling away from Hakyeon and turning his back towards him in order to feign annoyance. He hears Hakyeon sigh, but before he can say anything Taekwoon turns around quickly and dabs whipped cream from one of the pancakes onto the tip of Hakyeon's nose. He laughs at his surprised expression, and then laughs even more at his own laugh because it's been a while since he's heard it.

Hakyeon laughs along. "You're cleaning this up." He leans in for a kiss but Taekwoon licks the whipped cream off instead. Hakyeon's face scrunches up. "Disgusting," he says, but Taekwoon knows he doesn't mean it.

His boyfriend pulls him closer for a real kiss this time, and squeezes him in a tight hug. "You seem happier today," he says. "I'm so glad."

"Because of you," Taekwoon replies, his face heating up at saying something so cheesy.

Hakyeon doesn't answer, just holds him tighter in the hug for a moment, and Taekwoon let's him.

**Author's Note:**

> lol the last fic/part i posted was a christmas one, and here i am again... with another christmas one. 2017 was not kind, i'll try to start posting again next year. but i kinda need opinions on whether or not i should keep writing for this series or just drop it?? it's been going on for almost 3 years so idk
> 
> anyway hope you all enjoy this piece and merry christmas/happy holidays!


End file.
